Monday, 22 June 2015

His Holiness Pope Francis has ventured into realm of Green Politics with his latest Encyclical Laudato Si
I have, as devoted and ever patient readers of this blog know, been slightly skeptical of the more apocalyptic predictions emanating from some quarters about our emissions of CO2 and their effect on our climate.  I do not regard myself as a 'skeptic' about 'global warming' nor am I a 'denier' to use that ugly term.  I do believe that the science has been over-stretched by the ignorant and the conniving.  So here is my take on an encyclical (which is a posh, papal word for a letter. I hope my wording conveys the solemnity of the message.

Encyclical from:

 Prof Bob, servant of the servants of the IPCC

Professor Bob Ryan makes no claim to know much about Climate Science but he probably knows a bit more than Pope Francis.  So here goes:

We, Prof Bob the first, have reflected upon the ineffable mysteries of life, the universe and all that is, what is and ever will be.  We have meditated upon the mystery of climate and the extent to which mankind and the multitude of all CO2 emitting creatures are fallen and have, as a result, contributed to the warming of our temporal paradise, planet Earth, during the twentieth century.

Using the magisterium of our position based upon authority granted to us by no one in particular we wish it to be known that we are not a global warming sceptic, heretic, apostate, infidel or anything else except a true servant of the 3G faith of Gaia, Green and Gore.   This is what is revealed to us:

We declare that global warming is happening.

During the 20th Century the planet warmed by 0.8C and this was so unusual there must be an unusual reason for it.  It is so unusual that it has only occurred twice in the past two millennia.  It is a mystery why it warmed then, but we do know why it has warmed now and knowing is better than not knowing so we must be right about why it has happened this time.

We declare that 97 per cent of scientists are not in error.

Ninety seven per cent of scientists believe that bits of the planet have warmed (these being the bits where temperatures can be measured) and that the industriousness of human beings is implicated a bit.  Some scientists are blessed of a prophetic charism of knowing, through the insights granted to them by advanced interpolation, extrapolation and triangulation, that those bits of the planet where temperature is not measured, has never been measured and indeed cannot be measured have also warmed at a rate faster than the average.   This means that what we believed to be an average global temperature has been revealed for what it is – not an average.   This further reveals to us that the non-warming of the last twenty years is a wicked deception by sceptics and other heretics and the evil of CO2 is still an ever-present reality.  The remaining scientists not counted amongst the 97 per cent elect do not believe in anything we understand and thus we declare that they be cast out as non-scientists.  So, by definition, the proportion of scientists believing the planet has warmed can be, forever and ever, 100 per cent.

We declare that the devil is CO2 - a Greenhouse Gas.

Whilst being absolutely necessary for the survival of the vast mass of the biosphere CO2 has, of its own free will, the ability to radiate heat away from the planet one part of the spectrum of light whilst being willing to allow free passage to any other part of the spectrum emitted by the sun.  This untoward and sinful behaviour declines with increasing concentration.    As a consequence the impact of subsequent doubling of CO2 upon global temperature diminishes although it has been revealed to us that replacing all oxygen in the atmosphere by CO2 would represent an existential threat to all humanity and could lead to panic and mass migration underground.

We declare that the Earth is Wet. 

The earth is mostly covered with wetness (H20), which has similar properties to CO2 in retarding the earth’s ability to cool after a hot day in the sun.  Therefore, any warming of the oceans could bring about the apocalypse.  Because H20 is even more wicked than CO2 any additional H20 released to the atmosphere would immediately lead to a rise in global atmospheric temperature because of the H2O and not the CO2.  The oceans being quite indifferent to the source of its warming and being possessed of a lot of water will result in yet more H2O evaporating leading to more warming and so on in a vicious cycle.  Thus any warming of the ocean no matter how venial will lead to mortal global warming.  

We declare that climate is defined by computer models and not by data on a graph. 

The only true guide to the future of the planet is by sustained devotion to computer models of our unutterably complex, chaotic, non-linear and indefinable climate. We affirm that ‘climate’ is not knowable, will only be realised over the next 50 years, and can only be accessed through theory, and faith.  It has been revealed to us that climate is an ineffable mystery based upon a number of immutable laws that are immutably true.  Observations of temperature taken by thermometers, balloons, satellites and buoys say nothing about climate which is defined the way the Office for True Climate Realism say it is.  As a result climate comes from computer models and thinking anything else is heresy and not to be listened to.

We declare that the polar ice caps and polar bears are good.

The melting of the polar ice caps is a sign that global warming is occurring and even though the ice around our beloved southerly polar region is increasing that does not mean that the polar ice caps are not melting.  It’s just that the ice that is expanding is not the right sort of ice.  Yes it is made of frozen seawater but that is quite beside the point – it’s the wrong sort of water.  We further aver that the receding summer ice in the Arctic is wiping out polar bears (which are white and therefore good) and that any increase in their number is a statistical artefact and that the real decline in their numbers can only be observed through an unobservable statistical trend that is pointing downwards (inexorably).

We declare that the only way the planet can be saved is through fasting, abstinence and bearing the heat or the cold with fortitude and true faith.

Erecting fans across the land is not a good way to cool the planet.  This can only be achieved through sacrifice.  The only way to planetary salvation is by switching off any heating or air conditioning, not eating, not moving, ceasing production of anything useful and by abstaining from meat.   Any money saved should be transferred from those who do have it to those who don’t so that they don’t have to work if they don’t want to.   By this means we can discern the truth of light and preserve our natural bodily fluids. 

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